by Tony » Fri Oct 06, 2006 10:46 pm
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once,and I need something to keep me horny.. keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says,
"Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants.The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."
The pharmacist replies, "You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?"
The man says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up
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Whats the difference between Niagara and Viagra? . Niagara Falls.
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A newly wed girl goes to the drug store to buy her husband some toiletries. The manager comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.
"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband, but I don't know what type he uses."
The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"
"No," says the girl, it's for under his arms."
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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to push off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't.
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My wife and I were sitting in the living room, chatting about life and death. I said to her, "when the time comes, please don't ever allow me to become a vegetable, depending on a machine and liquid feeding. If you ever see me like that, I want you to disconnect all the paraphernalia that keeps me alive."
At that, she got up, unplugged the TV and threw away all my beer.
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What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."
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The man who walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney.I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her seven items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cos' you're ugly."
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Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The 1st said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The 2nd said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house for Mama."
The 3rd said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to Mama."
The 4th said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took 20 preachers 10 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, and I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby surround sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture, just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was just delicious. Thank you so much."
"Love, Mama".................
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During a visit to a mental hospital, a visitor asked the Director what determined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the director, "it's simple really, we fill up a bathtub,then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bath"
"Oh, I see" said the visitor " a normal person would use the bucket as its the largest item"
"No" said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed by a window"
Tony - Team Essex Boys
